


Human

by Yu_Kagami



Series: Haikyuu Angst oneshots/twoshots (Lets torture Hinata) [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Autism, Autistic Kageyama Tobio, Depressed Kageyama Tobio, Depression, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Happy Ending Fest, Other, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Ending, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:28:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yu_Kagami/pseuds/Yu_Kagami
Summary: Tobio just wanted to fit in, why is that too much to ask for?
Series: Haikyuu Angst oneshots/twoshots (Lets torture Hinata) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859377
Comments: 21
Kudos: 244





	Human

**Author's Note:**

> Again, read the tags for trigger warnings.  
> Enjoy.

It was hard to look at someone properly for Tobio.

Contrary to popular beliefs, Tobio was neither confident nor full of himself, if you would ask him himself, he would honestly say that he wasn’t anything special.

Tobio has always had trouble communicating, he didn’t understand _emotions_. Perhaps it is an error in his making or perhaps it was because he was never loved. He couldn’t feel sympathy, happiness or excitement. All he could feel is hollowness, depression and despair.  
It was almost like he was never human to begin with, maybe that was the reason why he could never connect to someone.

Anxiety is a close feeling to Tobio.

Peoples’ eyes are like judgemental knives.

He couldn’t recall the last time he had raised his head high confidently, and to be frank, he never knew how Oikawa’s eyes looked like, despite always holding on to his admired senior in his younger years, he never knew how Hinata’s eyes looked like, even if he had spent most of his school days hanging around the short middle blocker.

The entire ordeal of not knowing anyone’s faces weren’t at all a problem to Tobio, he was fine living this way, he would mind his own business and the people around him would mind theirs, he didn’t need to mend in with anyone if all they do is leave him behind, it wasn’t like he would ever be as normal as they are anyways.

It didn’t matter at all.

Then why is it that he felt a pang of emptiness that was more painful than it had ever been when he saw all his teammates gathering around playing Truth or Dare and laughing so carelessly?

He observed the team from the gym door, they had been having an sleepover at the volleyball gym tonight, Tobio had excused himself for a toilet break when the pain hit his chest too hard. The setter looked at the team from behind the slightly opened gym door, a new dash of frustration came rushing into him.

He desired to be able to smile like that.

He desired to be able to love like that.

He desired to be able to chat like that.

He desired- for something he could never be.

Tobio wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, he wanted to ask God for whatever he did wrong, why is it that he can never be happy? What did he do to deserve a miserable lifetime such as this? Why isn’t he able to enjoy like everyone else?

Why is it that everyone looks forward to a new tomorrow and yet all he wished for is to never wake up to another sunrise?

Life is so unfair.

Tobio clutched his cloth tight.

He crouched down painfully and sobbed silently without tears.

Everything was too much, he just wants to fit in he just wants to be normal.

Why is that too much to ask for?

Tobio curled in harder when he heard the team laughing mindlessly again.  
He wondered if he was needed at all.

Tobio held his head down forcefully when the chorus of cheers crashed in.  
He wondered if it was better if he disappeared.

Tobio tried to make himself to be smaller than the speck of dust on the floor when he heard Hinata yelling brightly.  
He wondered if Hinata would smile brighter if he didn’t exist.

Tobio muffledly yelled in his sleeve, he sat down effortlessly before the door, it felt like the paradise behind it was something he could never enter, solely because he was disgusting Kageyama Tobio, an abomination and excuse of a human being.

He doesn’t notice when multiple figures approached his broken state.

He doesn’t notice when the figures tried calling his name.

He doesn’t notice when the figures yelled in concern.

He only did notice when someone tapped his shoulder and he was forcefully pulled out of his shell.

Tobio jumped back in surprise, it was almost as if he had returned to the past frail child when he did so, however in front of him wasn’t the towering statue of the orphanage headmaster, instead it was the familiar shadows of his teammates.

He was barely able to recognize who they were until he spotted the hair colour of them.  
The most recognisable features of the trio.

Tsukishima, Hinata and Nishinoya?

“Oi Kageyama whats wrong? Are you okay?”

Nishinoya spoke in concern roughly, surprising his sentence made in through Tobio clearly given his fuzzy state.

“Uh, yeah, sorry”

He was looking down again as he replied.

_Pathetic._

Hinata frowned at the unusual cowardly form of his seemingly confident filled setter.

“If the King said he is fine then he probably is, lets just go back in.”

Tsukishima said in a bored tone and Hinata almost wanted to protest and pry further into Tobio’s deprived state if it wasn’t for Nishinoya pushing him to go back energetically.

Tobio trailed behind the skipping duo like a lost puppy and he found himself looking down lower than he usually is. He had realised that fact a while ago but looking up a bit seemed scarier than anything right now, he clenched his fists tightly, nails digging in his palms while muttering insults to himself when he walked slowly back to his original seat.

“I have always wondered but.”

Tobio would have snapped his head to the speaking middle blocker if his anxiety wasn’t holding him back with all his might.

“Kageyama-kun, why do you never look at us in the eye?”

When that question was asked, Tobio shoved his head even more lower, he used all his might to focus on counting the tiles on the floor instead of the floating additional comments in the air.

“Oh now you mentioned it, why is that Kageyama?”

_It is because I am scared._

“Haha, I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t even know how we look like.”

_I don’t, which is pathetic. ___

__“Oii Kageyama are our faces not handsome enough for you.”_ _

___No! That is not-!_ _ _

__“That's right Kageyama are you saying Kiyoko’s pretty face isn’t enough for you huh?!”_ _

___That is not true! I- No why is everyone misunderstanding!_ _ _

__“What?! Is that true Kageyama?!”_ _

___Stop! It is not! Please! Don’t!_ _ _

__“Haha it is probably because our peasant faces aren’t good enough for his **majesty.** ”_ _

___Haha it is probably because our peasant faces aren’t good enough for his majesty._ _ _

__**No no! That is not it! That isn’t what I feel. No! Why?! NO.** _ _

__**NO NO NO NO! DONT STOP IT!!** _ _

__**STOP TALKING DON’T! NO NO NO! DON”T!!** _ _

___“DON’T!!”_ _ _

___Tobio was drenched in sweat and his breathing was shallow when he had yelled out his phrase with a hoarse voice, stunning everyone in the room as all attention fell on him._ _ _

___Eyes were looking at him._ _ _

___Eyes were staring at him._ _ _

___Eyes were aiming at him._ _ _

___Eyes were **piercing through him.**_ _ _

___“K-kageyama?”_ _ _

___Tobio knew there is no backing down now, he couldn’t run away, he couldn’t cry, he couldn’t escape._ _ _

___He should have killed himself after middle school._ _ _

___He should have jumped off that mother fucking building._ _ _

___“I-...”_ _ _

___Tobio wasn’t able to put any of his emotions into words, only regret after regret were piling up his mind, fogging away the only rationality and sense he still had in his destroyed frail system._ _ _

___He wanted to die._ _ _

___“No, i-it is not, I-”_ _ _

___Tobio tried again, however luck wasn’t on his side. He felt so exposed, so bare. He hated the way everyone was looking at him, expecting something, he hated the way everyone was always expecting something from him, never satisfied with him for who he is._ _ _

___“Kageyama, it is okay, calm down,”_ _ _

___But it is fucking not okay!_ _ _

___Everything is broken!_ _ _

___He ruined the joy between everyone again!_ _ _

___It is his fault again!_ _ _

___Tobio tuned out Sugawara’s concerned remarks and continued to wallow in self deprecation, wanting to die even more with every single comment thrashing at him._ _ _

___“Kageyama!”_ _ _

___Tobio snapped his eyes open, he faced the senior in front of hi, he caught a small gaze of his eyes before returning his gaze to the stiff floor._ _ _

___“I-, I didn’t know people could look _kind._ ”_ _ _

___Tobio thought out loud, he almost immediately regretted it when he had declared his weird statement._ _ _

___“Is that why you never looked at anyone?”_ _ _

___However Sugawara didn’t judge him, instead the kind third year questioned him considerately._ _ _

___Tobio nodded timidly before finding courage to add more on his statement._ _ _

___“I never understood people or their intent, I don’t know if it is because I was never loved but I don’t understand anyone, even till now.”_ _ _

___When nobody gave out a verbal response, Tobio took it as a sign to continue.  
“Because I never knew how others feel, I can’t get through my words to them properly either. That is why I am always misunderstood as arrogant or over confident, when really.”_ _ _

___Tobio hesistated before drily chuckling out._ _ _

___“When really, I am just too scared to do anything, it is pathetic, but it is something I can never feel. That is why I always felt jealous of everyone, I wondered why they can fit in, why they can be normal, why they can be happy when all I can be is a despaired dysfunctional human.”_ _ _

___Tobio looked up from the floor to the ceiling, everyone else’s gaze following his eyesight._ _ _

___“But now I know it is all I can ever be. So it is fine, things are fine the way they are. Life really is unfair huh?”_ _ _

___Nobody replied after the depressing speech of Tobio’s, nobody reached out when Tobio stepped out of the gym door silently, nobody followed when Tobio stepped away in loneliness._ _ _

___Tobio smiled when he closed the gym door._ _ _

___Nobody _cared_ when Tobio was announced dead the next day._ _ _


End file.
